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Swim Prep: Wife vs. Husband

Warning: This post is meant to be humorous in nature.  I am not trying to attack anyone.  This is, however, based on actual events.

Getting a baby ready for parent and me swim classes can take a little time and preparation.  It isn’t as easy as just tossing the kid in the car and driving to the pool.  There are nap times and meal times to take into account.  You have to worry about towels, swim diapers, sunscreen, swim shirts, plastic pants, and so many other things.  Unless, of course, you’re a husband.

Here is how Pat and I get ready for Ben’s swim lessons.

Swim prep: Wife’s version.

Sunday night: Plan out the week.  Note that there are swim lessons on Saturday, and we need to be prepared.  Try not to schedule anything else during or around that time.  Ask Husband if he would like to swim with baby on Saturday.  Husband isn’t sure.  Explain that you have plans for shortly after swim lesson.  If you are swimming it will require extra get ready time after lesson.  If Husband is swimming you need to wake up earlier to get ready.  This decision impacts your entire day.  Tell Husband he needs to decide by Wednesday.

Wednesday:  Do some laundry.  Be sure towel, swim suit, and swim shirt are all washed.  Make sure swim shirt and swim trunks air dry.  Towel can be put in drier.  Hand wash plastic pants because you can’t remember if you washed them after the last swim lesson.  Wonder again why the kids need a swim diaper, plastic pants, and a bathing suit.  Sheesh, that’s a lot of items.  Ask Husband if he plans to swim with baby on Saturday.  Husband isn’t sure.  Explain again that you need to know in order to plan your day.  Your time table effects other people’s timetables.  Tell Husband he needs to decide by Thursday.

Thursday: Meal plan and make grocery list for the week.  Be sure to include any snacks needed for pre- and post- swim lesson.  No one likes the person who forgot snacks.  No one likes the screaming baby who just needs a couple of raisins because lunch is late.  Ask Husband if he plans to swim with baby on Saturday.  Explain that you need to know in order to plan your day.  Husband isn’t sure.  Tell Husband he needs to decide by Friday night, latest.

Friday:  Plan out the timing for Saturday’s swim lesson.  Wake up is earlier, lunch time is later, two naps need to be fit in.  Plus other Saturday duties wife needs to perform.  Go over schedule with Husband while he watches tv.  Go over schedule again when Husband looks up at the end and says, “What?”  Write schedule out after Husband looks confused.  Restrain self from reminding Husband we did this last week, it’s the same as last week.  Ask Husband if he plans to swim with baby tomorrow.  Husband isn’t sure.  Demand an answer.  Explain the getting ready situation again, and that you need an answer in order to plan your day accordingly. Husband says no to swimming.  Make Baby’s breakfast for morning.  Make Baby’s lunch for tomorrow.

Saturday:  Here we go:
6 am:  Wake up. Shower before baby wakes.  Husband isn’t swimming.  You are, so don’t wash hair.  Get dressed and do make up.
6:30am: Get Baby up.  Half an hour early.  Change diaper.  Note Baby’s sheets are suspiciously damp.  Change sheets.
6:40 am: Play with Baby so he doesn’t think it is breakfast time.  Can’t have an early breakfast followed by a late lunch.
7 am: Nurse Baby
7:15 am: Give Baby breakfast while pumping.  Oatmeal, eggs, and fruit.  Try to explain to Baby why he can’t eat just strawberries.  Give up and just put strawberries away.
7:30 am:  Hose oatmeal off Baby in the sink.  Let Baby play while wiping oatmeal off high chair and floor.
7:35 am:  Get Baby’s swim suit, swim shirt, and plastic pants out of his closet.  Grab extra swim and regular diapers.
7:40 am: Stop Baby from eating cat’s kibble.
7:50 am: Husband wakes up, gets himself some breakfast and kibble.
8:00 am: Review schedule with Husband.
8:03 am: Repeat.
8:05 am: Just toss written out schedule in front of husband.
8:10 am: Grab cat for vet appointment.  (Or whatever Saturday morning chore needs to be done.)
8:15 am:  Change Baby’s diaper.  Remind Husband that nap time is in 15 minutes.  Out the door with cat.
9:30 am:  Back from vet, release angry kitty to go hide.  Notice Husband is finally in the shower.  Baby is sleeping.  Quick clean kitchen, do some cooking prep, find cat and give her a treat, get swim bag ready to go.  Chug some coffee.
9:50 am: Husband is checking email and Facebook.  Tell Husband you are going to change into swimsuit and get up Baby.  Husband looks up and says, “You know, I think I will swim today.”  Try not to give murderous look to Husband, who couldn’t have decided that a week ago, three days ago, or yesterday when asked if he wanted to swim or not?!
9:55 am: Baby is up.  Get him and have him play while getting self ready.
10-10:10 am: Change diaper.  Put sunscreen on Baby.  Keep Baby from licking sunscreen off his hand.   Put sunscreen on self, as Baby has already splattered it everywhere.  Put swim shirt on Baby.  Put swim suit in bag with swim diapers and plastic pants to be put on at pool.  Explain to Husband again how swim diapers work.  No, we cannot put it on here at home.  Double check swim bag. Triple check emergency raisins.  Grab extra towel for Husband.  Get Baby into car seat.  Grab diaper bag and swim bag.  Grab phone, house keys, car keys, and camera.
10:15 am:  Get everyone out of house and to the car for swim lesson,

Half way to pool:  Husband asks, “Did we remember to bring towels?”  Put head in hands.

Swim prep: Husband’s version

Sunday Night: Wife says something about swim lessons.  That’s a week away.  Don’t care.

Wednesday:  Wife says something about swim lessons.  That’s a few days away.  Don’t care.

Thursday:  Watch Wife make meal plan and grocery list.  Suggest buying chips.  Wife says something about swim lessons.  That’s in two days.  Don’t care.

Friday:  Wife waves a paper with writing on it at me.  Ignore.  Wife says something about swim lessons.  That’s tomorrow.  Don’t care.  Wife insists on knowing whether or not Husband is swimming.  Eh, decide no.

7:50 am:  Wake up, way too early for a Saturday.  Grab some breakfast.
8:00 am:  Wife talking. “What?”
8:03 am:  Wife talking again. “What?”
8:05 am: Wife tosses paper down. “What was that all about?”
8:15 am: Wife goes somewhere with cat.  Build mega block tower with Baby.  Mega blocks are great.  Baby is great.
8:30 am:  Baby to nap.  Sorry kid, piece of paper Wife left says nap.  Check diaper, still good.  Score
8:35 am: Play on computer.  Check ESPN.  Do whatever husbands do.  (Note: Wife gone at this time, not sure what actually takes place.)
9:25 am: Decide to shower up.
9:50 am: Check email and Facebook.  Wife announces she is going to change.  You know, swimming with Baby would be fun. Good bonding.  Tell Wife, “I think I will swim today.”  Wonder why Wife looks so angry.
9:55 am: Change into swim suit.  Put sunscreen on self.  Get flip flops.  Ask Wife why we don’t put swim diaper and swim suit on here at home.  Lose interest in her answer.
10:10 am: Grab wallet, keys, and phone.
10:15 am: Leave for pool.

Halfway to pool as Wife, “Did we remember to grab towels?” Why does she look so defeated?

At least in both versions the whole family had a great time at the swim lessons.  And yes, all of us swam together in the lesson.

Our little water bug!


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